The following blog post is being brought to you on the frazzled end of my last nerve and the rubber band stacks in my purse. Please grab your popcorn and coke, keep all arms, legs and other appendages inside this fast moving locomotive, sit back, relax and enjoy the ride.
Well, things have just been getting better by the day down here in the world of rehab and shenanigans. Daddy is making daily progress in rehab, which, by all means is a wonderful thing. However, this place just doesn’t quite understand the concept of retired cop, country boy, don’t try to pull a fast one type of man my Daddy is! Let’s just say, they are now fully aware of the multi-faceted personality his 5’11 frame contains. Daddy has one really great nurse in rehab who was on vacation last week down in the Homestead/Miami area and she brought Daddy and I back some lychee fruit and a huge mango just because she’s just the best! I left a small pocket knife with Daddy so that he could peel the mango and enjoy all that great goodness. Well, Lawd help us all and Praise Him because according to, for lack of better English, said nurse uneducated, I aided and abetted in the arming of a resident with a lethal weapon! Yall, one morning when Daddy was down in PT, his nurse for the day came in and saw this little, tiny pocket knife laying on his bedside table and felt threatened! Mind you, Daddy was not in there, the knife was closed and laying there minding its own business, yet she felt threatened! She felt as though her only option in this black hole of a life threatening situation was to take Daddy’s knife out of his room without him knowing and drop it down at the nurses station, apparently to be collected as exhibit A in a plastic baggy accompanied by felony weapons charges. Later that afternoon I received a call from my uncle that Heartland had called him saying a knife had been confiscated and was at the nurses station for me to pick up. Well, obviously they have been around me long enough now to know the safer move was to call Uncle Ronnie and not me, which really made me laugh. Do I really come across as THAT bad of a person and am I scary?! Anywho, I call Daddy and ask him if he knows that his knife isn’t within his possession and all I get was dead-dog silence on the other end of the line…I’m all like, can you hear me? can you hear me now? Daddy?!…which I then immediately went into Daddy, calm down, you have to stay calm and let me explain, Daddy…breathe, Daddy just let me handle it ok?……SILENCE! And then, he speaks with a scarily calm, gruff growl… I. WILL. GET. MY. KNIFE. BACK. and hangs up! My knees buckled, the lump in my throat grew into a large grapefruit, I gripped the steering wheel as if I’d just seen Hank Sr on a silver eagle rolling through Montgomery and I prayed, Thy will be done Lord, thy will be done. Amen.
Yes, Daddy got the knife back, I met twice with administration to make certain that felony weapons charges were gone with the wind and that bail money and/ or shovels and black trash bags were not in my future (KIDDING PEOPLE-SIMMER DOWN) and the mango was quite tasty! It is now and forever will be the joke within our family that Daddy is not allowed to have knives, so please kindly remember this if you are going to visit or bring him something that contains a three piece cutlery set! All knives are to be left at the nurses station and just put my name on them!
So, I can strongly feel the uneasiness in all reading this that I may be partaking in unethical behavior seeing as though I have rubber band stacks in my purse! May I just say, think what you will and do what you think is best…..Again, KIDDING-SIMMER DOWN YE WITH NO SENSE OF HUMOR…..But Yes, I do have quite the collection of rubber band stacks that I tote around due to selling off a lot of “stuff” that Daddy has acquired over the years. I have become an expert in the buying and selling world and I may be slightly addicted. I have also continued my perfection in my fluent speaking of sarcasm as I answer back the Craigslist scammers that troll the internet. Are these people for real?! Rest assured, they do know that I am for real and will probably think twice before ever calling or texting another 910 number. For those that know me, you know I love to laugh and can make a joke out of pretty much every situation, so just imagine the knee-slapping time I’ve had pulling out a stack of hooker dolla bills at Publix and watching the wide-eyed expression of the sweet little lady as she so sheepishly takes the money by the tip of the corner ’cause she ain’t sure “where it’s been.” I DIE!! Clearly, it’s the small things in life that are keeping me sane these days….
Part dos of this epic drama will continue at a later date with the story of my almost successful construction debut of making a drive in window at the Ford place in Orlando due to their lack of knowledge of just how much punch this lil green eyed girl packs!
Keep on Keeping on Yall…..It can always be worse…..